Until The Sun Goes Down (Boundless Love Book 3) Read online

  ‘We can’t do anything more. We can’t cure the cancer.’

  ‘You can’t!’ She yelled. ‘What do you mean you can’t? What about chemo?’

  ‘We can offer chemo as palliative care, to make you as comfortable as possible, but it will progress. We won’t be able to get rid of it this time. I’m so sorry.’ He was almost in tears himself.

  She burst out laughing. Eugene gazed at her concerned, but also terrified. She laughed and laughed and laughed.

  ‘You’re sorry!’ She spluttered with laughter. ‘No, no!’ The laughter soon died down and was replaced by a painful wail.

  Eugene took her into his arms and held tight. The pain overtook her and made her feel as though she were about to suffocate. She hit into his chest hard. Eugene took it. He felt the same way, only he couldn’t hit into something. She did it again and again until she was so tired she had to lean back into the bed.

  She looked up at Doctor Cross, the pain still lodged in her throat and asked, ‘How long?’ She had to know, as painful as it was, she had to know.

  He dropped his head a moment.

  ‘Doctor?’

  Eugene squeezed her hand.

  ‘Eighteen to twenty-four months. Maybe a little longer with chemotherapy.’

  ‘How much longer?’ asked Eugene.

  ‘Six months.’

  He dropped his head.

  ‘I wish I had more positive news, I wish I could make this go away.’

  ‘You did your best Doctor.’ The words barely passed her throat.

  He stood a moment longer, but soon he understood that his presence was no longer needed. He left them. Eugene took one look at his wife and didn’t know how he would live without her, but Sahara was quiet. She had once thought that cancer would finish her off in the end, but she hadn’t expected it to be so soon. She felt empty inside.

  ‘Honey, we’ll get a second opinion. I’m sure there is something we can do.’

  She shook her head.

  ‘You’re not giving up are you? You can’t.’

  She was silent. She didn’t know what to say or how to feel. To be given a time on her life felt surreal. She always felt there was more time, but it seemed time was no longer on her side.

  ‘Talk to me.’

  She looked away.

  ‘Please. Let me know what to do. I’ll make calls. I’ll do the research. I’ll do whatever it takes.’

  She kept her gaze away from him. Looking at him just hurt, more than it already did. He stopped asking and just joined her in the silence. But at the back of his mind, he wouldn’t give up. He hoped she wasn’t giving up either.

  ****

  When Sahara was finally released from hospital to go home, she still hadn’t recovered from the shock. The moment she stepped into the house, Elizabeth, Emily, Felicity and Alice were all there. She’d asked that no one come to see her at the hospital. There had been a lot for her to work out in her mind. But as she gazed at their sad faces, she knew she had to give them some of her attention.

  ‘I’m so glad you’re home, honey.’ Elizabeth gave her a hug.

  ‘It’s good to be out of the hospital,’ she said.

  ‘Hey.’ Emily was next to embrace her.

  ‘Hey. Don’t look so sad, I’m not dead yet.’ She tried to joke, but no one found it funny. ‘Seriously guys, please be happy I’m home.’

  It was a tough request, she knew that, but she needed them to try. She was just glad Joy was still at school. She had asked Eugene not to tell her, she needed to do that herself. He was happy about her decision because telling his only child that her mother was dying, wasn’t something he was built to do.

  The day dragged on, but later Sahara left them to get some rest. It had been so awkward. No one knew what words to say. At least when she’d been fighting it, they were her cheerleaders, but now with the end in sight. No one would cheer her to the finish line.

  Later that evening after she’d had a long rest that renewed her batteries. She took time to be with Joy. They sat on the carpet in Joy’s room, trying to figure out a puzzle together. There had been so many moments when Sahara wanted to tell her little girl what was going on, but each time Joy smiled at her, she couldn’t find the nerve to break her heart.

  But soon enough, when the final piece of the puzzle was slotted into place, Sahara knew she had to tell her.

  ‘Come sit on mummy’s lap.’

  ‘I’m too big for that now, mummy.’

  ‘Oh, you’re never too big.’ Sahara swallowed back the tears. She wouldn’t see her daughter grow up. ‘Now come on, mummy needs some cuddles.’

  ‘Okay then.’ She shifted over and Sahara took her into her arms.

  ‘I love you honey.’ She whispered into her ear.

  ‘I love you too mummy. We did well with the puzzle, didn’t we?’

  ‘We sure did.’ She shut her eyes briefly.

  ‘Honey, mummy’s operation didn’t go well,’ she started.

  Joy turned and looked at her. ‘Why, mummy?’

  ‘Do you remember when I told you that the doctor was going to cut out the growths in my tummy?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Well, he didn’t manage to get all of them.’ She swallowed back hard.

  ‘Why not?’ she asked innocently.

  ‘Because there were too many.’

  She looked away and tried to wrap her tiny mind around what Sahara was saying.

  ‘They can’t do anything about it.’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll always feel pain?’ she asked.

  ‘Sometimes, but the doctors have giving me strong medicine to deal with the pain. But…’

  ‘But what?’

  Joy may have been five years old, but she had knowledge beyond her years, and she knew something was wrong.

  ‘But the illness won’t go away.’

  ‘What does that mean?’

  ‘It means I won’t always be here.’

  ‘Will you need to go to hospital?’

  Sahara had no idea how to put it, and now more than ever she wished she’d taken Joy to some sort of spiritual gathering.

  ‘I will, sometimes…Do you understand heaven?’ She knew that the school taught religion.

  ‘Yes, that’s where God is.’

  ‘Well, when I said that I won’t always be here with you, I meant that mummy will one day go to heaven.’

  ‘We’ll all go to heaven one day. Miss told us that.’

  ‘Oh honey, I know that. It’s just that this illness will soon make mummy’s body so weak, I won’t be able to live in it anymore.’

  ‘I don’t understand.’

  Sahara held her close and took in the sweet warm scent of Joy.

  ‘I don’t either, but it’s the way my life is.’

  They were silent for a while. Joy lay into Sahara’s chest and listened to her heart beat. After a while she gazed up at her and said, ‘Mummy, are you dying?’

  She dropped her head onto the crown of Joy’s head lightly. ‘Oh honey.’ This wasn’t getting any easier. ‘Yes, I’m dying.’

  ‘I don’t want you to die!’ She cried into her. ‘You can’t die!’

  ‘I don’t want to die either.’

  ‘Then don’t.’

  ‘Oh baby. I’ll do my best.’ She kissed her, but she knew that no matter how much she promised there were no guarantees.

  Joy lay in her mothers arms, crying without a clue how to handle what had been said. Sahara felt just as helpless. But the words of her daughter made her think. She thought about how she’d battled and the attitude she’d mastered through it. Sahara knew that she may have been given eighteen months, but the truth was, she was the only one who could decide how long she would live. It was entirely up to her!

  Chapter Six

  Eugene squinted and looked across the room. He rubbed his eyes just to make sure he’d really seen what he’d seen. Sahara was dressed up in running gear, and took time to stretch.

  ‘Hey, honey. What are y
ou doing?’

  ‘Getting warmed up to go for a run.’

  He sat up and focused on her.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that.’ She giggled.

  Over the past few weeks she’d done a lot of research and made a lot of changes. She’d instructed Lawrence on a different diet and had decided to take life by the horns. She was going to live the next eighteen months like she’d never done before.

  ‘You never told me you were going to start running.’

  ‘That’s because I didn’t want you to worry.’

  ‘But I’m worrying now.’

  ‘Don’t, I’ve instructed Seth with what I need.’

  ‘You’ve hired Seth?’ He laughed slightly. ‘I didn’t even know he was helping you.’

  ‘I asked him not to tell you. He’s worked out a running schedule for me.’

  ‘Oh, okay.’ He studied her.

  ‘I hope you don’t mind?’

  ‘Why would I mind? What’s mine is yours.’

  ‘Great.’ She walked towards him and perched on the bed.

  ‘Are we going to talk about it?’ he asked.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘I think you know.’

  ‘Honey, let’s not go down that road. I’m still here. Why do you want to talk about something that hasn’t happened yet?’

  ‘Because I do? I’m worried.’ He felt upset.

  ‘Honey, I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for me too. But if I spend the next eighteen months wallowing, I’m will miss out on life. Life is right now. I have right now.’

  He sighed.

  ‘What do you want me to say?’

  ‘I want you to talk to me about it!’

  ‘Okay.’ She took his hand. ‘Is there anything you want to say?’ She didn’t know what he expected.

  He squeezed her hand. His eyes glazed over.

  ‘Oh honey, I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m terrified!’ He started. ‘I spend my nights thinking about what it would be like without you. I don’t think I can do this.’

  She nodded. She understood, and just because she’d worked through it, didn’t mean he had.

  ‘I don’t want to raise Joy alone. I want you with me.’

  ‘I’m still here. And even though it may seem hard for you to understand that now, it’s true. I’m here, we’re raising Joy together. I’ll do my best to be here for a long time.’

  ‘Honey.’

  ‘It’s true. I’ve changed my diet; I’ve looked at the consultants you’ve recommended. In fact, I see one tomorrow. He says that he could shrink the tumours. But it would mean going through surgery again. He doesn’t promise a cure, but he can prolong my life.’

  He was still upset.

  ‘Honey, I will do whatever it takes to stay with you and Joy for as long as I can. I’m not giving up, I promise.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘I promise. Look at me; I’m all ready to go running. I’m going to do the Great North, and I suggest you get yourself into shape to do it with me.’ She teased.

  He smiled faintly.

  ‘I’m serious, you should join me.’

  ‘Okay, maybe tomorrow.’

  She smiled, leaned forward and gave him a kiss. ‘Okay, tomorrow then. I better get downstairs.’

  ‘Sounds like Lawrence is in early.’

  ‘Yes I asked him to be. This is a good thing honey. We’ll be okay.’

  He pursed his lips. He really wanted to believe that, but couldn’t get past the fact she’d been given a time to live.

  ‘I love you,’ she said as she stood up. ‘See you later.’ She left him and hurried downstairs.

  Lawrence greeted her with a green smoothie. It was a mixture of raw vegetables and barley grass. She drank it down fast so as not to let the taste linger in her mouth.

  ‘Ugh!’ she let out after she’d done. ‘Keep them coming Lawrence. I must keep this body in tip top shape for as long as possible.’ She smiled.

  ‘I really admire your determination. You inspire me to live my life now.’

  ‘Aww Lawrence. That’s nice to say, and it makes me feel super inspired.’

  ‘It’s true.’ He moved to the sink and rinsed the glass. ‘Ever since you gave me instructions about your food, and the way you wake up every morning as if the world is yours, makes me want to do the same.’

  ‘And you should! Life’s now!’

  She continued to do a few more stretches and thirty minutes later, Seth arrived to take her for the morning run. They’d work up in mileage slowly. The more she did, the fitter she would become, and the more energy she felt. She understood that when she did go for the chemo, she’d have to stop for a while, but she was determine to go back in with a vengeance.

  ‘So what made you want to do the Great North?’ Seth asked as they got into their second mile.

  ‘Justin. My life expectancy.’ She laughed lightly at the latter. ‘When I was told that I only had eighteen months to live, I thought I may as well die now.’ She took in a few breaths. ‘But after a while, I decided that I could spend the next eighteen months feeling sorry for myself and die quicker or I could take the life I have and live it to the fullest, and hope to God, I could prolong it a little.’

  ‘Wow, you’re an inspiration,’ he said.

  ‘I get that a lot.’ She giggled. ‘Seriously though, I’ve got to live my life. That’s not to say I’m not terrified. Sometimes at night I do lie awake and think about how much time I have left. But then when I wake up, realise it’s a new day, I take it for what it is.’

  ‘Good for you.’

  ‘Thanks Seth. I’ve tried to convince Eugene to join us, but I still think he’s struggling with this.’

  ‘I guess he needs time.’

  She nodded, and tried to focus ahead. It wasn’t always easy running, but the more she pushed herself, the easier it became. They ended the run after three miles. Seth took her through some cool down exercises.

  ‘I’ll see you in two days. Take time to rest those muscles and keep to your diet,’ he said.

  ‘Oh I will. Thanks for today.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  Eugene and Joy were at the breakfast table when she entered. Joy quickly gave her mother a hug. Sahara felt warm and knew she wanted to do this for as long as she could.

  ‘How was your run?’ he asked.

  ‘Amazing, I feel great. I’m sure I’ll be fit enough to do the marathon in eight months.’

  Eugene was silent a moment. Eight months from now would mean she’d only have ten more months left. He hated living and feeling like that.

  ‘That sounds amazing. I’m sure you’ll do great.’

  ‘Honey?’ she could tell by the sound of his voice that it pained him.

  ‘I mean it. Don’t worry about me. I’ve decided to see someone.’

  ‘See someone?’ She sat down with them even though she was dying for a shower.

  ‘Yes, I need to talk to someone. This is hard for me.’

  ‘Okay, I understand.’ She looked over at Joy and wondered if she would need that too. ‘I really do.’

  ‘I want to be here for you, for your run and everything you want to do. I want to be in the right emotional state.’

  ‘I understand.’ She smiled.

  Lawrence entered the dinning room with her breakfast. A bowl of fruit, yogurt, two boiled eggs and some toast. She tried to make sure the things she ate, wouldn’t be too hard on her bowels. So far things were running okay, and she would see the doctor soon.

  ‘Mummy, will you come with me to school today?’ asked Joy.

  ‘What do you mean honey?’

  ‘I want you to ride with me in the car today, not Elodie.’

  ‘Oh, okay. If that’s what you want. I’ll let Elodie know.’

  Joy smiled satisfied. Each day was a gift and Sahara made sure that her family had the gift of her having her around.

  ****

  The days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Sahara ke
pt up with the health regime and with her appointments. She had had several chemotherapy treatments with private doctors that Eugene had sourced. And over time they’d shrank the tumours, but not get rid of them.

  Shrinking the tumours had made the pain bearable, and she didn’t have to rely so much on medication.

  The day finally came when she would run the Great North with Eugene by her side. Elizabeth had been worried about how the training would put a strain on her body, but it had done the opposite. It had strengthened her body rather than weakened it.

  Elizabeth, Joy, Emily and family, Felicity and Logan and many more came along to support Sahara. She couldn’t believe it herself, and the buzz and energy from the crowd made her feel proud indeed.

  ‘You ready?’ asked Seth who would help set the pace.

  ‘More than I’ll ever be?’ she said.

  ‘Yes, I’m ready.’

  Eugene turned towards her and gave her a long hug. He shut his eyes and just felt her body next to his.

  ‘I love you,’ he said. ‘You’ve made me strong.’ He pulled back. ‘You’ve changed my world.’

  ‘Don’t make me cry,’ she laughed lightly. ‘I need to see the way.’

  He laughed.

  ‘For Justin,’ she said and just then the race started.

  At the seven mile mark, Sahara felt the exhaustion and some pain, but kept it to herself. But another mile in, a cramp in her calf forced her to slow down.

  ‘Shit!’ She walked.

  ‘What’s wrong honey? Are you okay?’ Eugene walked with her.

  ‘Cramp.’

  Seth did his best to try to sooth it. She limped, and when she felt she could run again, she did so, slowly. It wasn’t just the pain in her leg she felt, she had also begun to feel pain in her abdomen, but Sahara wouldn’t to give up.

  At ten miles she had to walk again.

  ‘You don’t look too great. Do you want to stop?’ asked Eugene.

  ‘Does it look like I want to quit!’ The pain and adrenaline had got to her.

  ‘I’m just saying. No need to bite my head off.’

  She didn’t respond, instead she continued to walk until she could run again, but only slowly.

  ‘Only three more miles to go, I can do this. This is what I’ve been training for.’

  Eugene took a glimpse at her. He loved her so much that at times it made him angry at her. Emotions had ravaged him the past few months, but he kept them in check.